Sigh...

Sometimes we get some pretty interesting characters at work. Here is a recent conversation I had with one of the dad's staying here:

"The Dad" told me that I look good in my dress and then in the same sentence, said “My bitch back home is in heat. She’s a female dog, so she’s a bitch. We live in the country and the wolves can smell her so they are circling outside the house howling. I left her in the house, because I couldn’t leave her outside.”

Me: “Do you have someone coming to check in on her?”

"The Dad" with look of disdain, “Well no….I’m only gone for just a day!”

(Keep in mind this timeline is actually over 24 hours...)
Then he said, “Maybe I should have tied to her to the tree to see if we could get some wolf/lab babies.”

UNBELIEVABLE!!!

A lyrical poet...just in case you didn't know it.

I flipped my television on last night and what do I see?  Crazy Jesse Ventura staring back at me...

Am I a poetic genius?  No, and neither is that fucking idiot!

As Nutty McFly kept ranting on about his utopian lifestyle off the beaten path in Mexico I couldn't help wondering why Larry King would even bother to have this fool on his show anymore.  Jesse then mentioned several times that he wanted to share some poetry.  I immediately got excited. Please Larry, let him share some more of his talent! Instead he insisted on taking a commercial break with the promise that when the show returned he would give Ventura time to break it down for us.  I waited, somewhat impatiently.  

Larry put him off AGAIN with a breaking news update about the stupid girl who is holding the Miss California title.  I have no idea what her name is, but I do know that her boobs were paid for and she doesn't want to legalize gay marriage....let's move on to Ventura's poetry corner!  Who cares about the Miss USA pageant?  
FINALLY Larry did a special little intro for Jesse and this is what came out of his mouth.

"On the night that Jesus Christ supposedly rose from the dead; the Navy Seals shot three pirates straight through the head."  

What happened next?  Dead air.  Crickets chirping.  It was brilliant.  For a good 2 seconds Larry King didn't know how to respond.  

That, my friends is what an unfinished education from North Hennepin Community College and years in the WWF will lead to...terrible poetry and dead air.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDapMSs5BjA

One of the many reasons I prefer animals to humans:)

I admit that I probably have more than my fair share of pet peeves.  I could go on and on about people standing right on top of me in the Subway line to the point where I want to turn around and shout, "Get up off me!!"  People who pop their gum, crack their knuckles, sit on the same side of the booth when there is only two people.....the list goes on and on.  There is one behavior that I would like to highlight today, because I might get into a physical altercation if I don't vent about it.  

My goodness, what could it be, you ask?

PEOPLE WHO ARE WALKING ON TRAILS OR SIDEWALKS WHO DON'T HAVE THE COURTESY TO MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY OF AN ONCOMING RUNNER!

There I said it.

Now I know that everyone has experienced this in some capacity.  You're at a busy mall and you find yourself bobbing and weaving for strollers, elderly, groups.....but nobody coming at you seems to have the common courtesy to squeeze out of your way.  If you are reading this and thinking that you don't know what I'm talking about, than you are one of those idiots in your own little world oblivious to anyone around you.  Shame on you!!

Back to the matter at hand.  Now that spring is here and many people are outside basking in the somewhat chilly sun, they seem to have taken their selfish habits with them.

So here is my public service announcement.  

Dear walkers,

If you see a runner coming in your direction, that runner is exerting 1,000 times more energy than you.  Please take it upon yourself to get the hell out of there way.  ESPECIALLY when said runner is already all the way over to one edge of the trail!  If I have to swing out onto the grass or swerve over to other side of the trail/sidewalk to avoid you I am going to either stick out my foot to trip you or punch you in the throat.  I may even stop you to ask which assault you would prefer to be accosted with.

And I’m done.

The things I learn when I actually pay attention...

Medication commercials have always intrigued me, especially towards the end when they list off the series of side affects that you may encounter by taking them.  Why would I want to take a diet pill, even if it has been approved by the FDA when it also guarantees that I’m going to have greasy flatulence?  That is one of the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. 

This morning, during the amazing and wonderful Young and the Restless, an advertisement for VESIcare came on.  I am sure that I’ve seen it 1,000 times, but today I actually paid attention.  I would like to let you take a moment to read the following paragraph; which is also what the commentator reads word for word towards the end of the commercial…

Important Safety Information
VESIcare is for urgency, frequency, and leakage (overactive bladder). VESIcare is not for everyone. If you have certain stomach or glaucoma problems, or trouble emptying your bladder, do not take VESIcare. Tell your doctor right away if you have a serious allergic reaction, severe abdominal pain, or become constipated for three or more days. VESIcare may cause blurred vision, so take care while driving or doing unsafe tasks until you know how VESIcare affects you. Common side effects are dry mouth, constipation, and indigestion.

Okay, so let’s review. 

First, I would like to add that the basis for the commercial is to reach out to people who feel like they cannot be “spontaneous” because of their urge to piss all of the time.  Now, I can appreciate how that issue might hinder some folks’ behavior.  What I can’t understand is why you would want to take a pill that may cure your urge to pee, but leave you constipated for days at a time while battling heartburn and dry mouth.  I mean, really?  I would be a much more “spontaneous” person if I needed to urinate all of the time versus having my stomach bloated up with three full days of shit that won’t move!

Second of all, I’m not sure that the safety precautions they ask you to take involving blurred vision is even legal.

“VESIcare may cause blurred vision, so take care while driving”???  Take care?  That’s what I put on a get well card for someone who had the flu or their appendix removed.  You don’t give someone a pill that could possibly cause an accident that may result in death and say take care.

I firmly believe that anyone who chooses to try out this medication should be given a kit which includes; the pills, a neon sign for their car warning all others that they are a danger to themselves and others, as well as a t-shirt that says, “I’m super spontaneous now that I have my overactive bladder under control.  Just don’t push on my stomach or make me do anything besides lie down in the fetal position, because I’m crazy constipated.”

Warning: The following may make you physically ill

That is the forewarning that should have appeared on the screen during the Grammy Awards before the Jonas Brothers took the stage.  First to allow those talentless fools to perform with Stevie Wonder is a shame.  Stevie didn’t know what he was getting into….if he could see he would have definitely nixed the collaboration.  I think the appearance of Kevin alone would have done it.  That freak was flailing around the stage like an ape on meth, or at least how I picture an ape on meth would act…but I digress.

Let me break it down for you.  A celebrity came out to introduce the boys and proceeded to announce that they were performing with the great Stevie Wonder.  My ears immediately started to bleed and my eyes welled up in tears.  First of all, I love Stevie and just the shock of hearing the fact that he was taking the stage with those three yahoos was enough to tip me over the edge.

The Jo Bros (as the “tweens” like to call them) started singing one of their (insert sarcasm) classic, memorable hits.  By this point, I was breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth in an attempt to calm my nerves karate kid style.  Why didn’t you just turn the channel, you ask?  Hell no!  This was first-rate entertainment of unparalleled quality…not to be missed.

About halfway into the performance, the intro notes to Superstition struck my ears and my body coiled into the fetal position.  This couldn’t be happening.  Stevie couldn’t possibly be getting ready to play one of my all time beloved songs with the Jonas Brothers!  Noooooooooo.  Say it ain’t so.  Just when I thought the performance had hit rock bottom, Joe Jonas took the mic and forgot someone of the lyrics.  No, Joe, the words aren’t “umm umm laaa stition.  Baby blah blah blahhhhh.”

That’s when the physical affects began.  My stomach cramped up so hard it took my breath away.  I looked at my cat, Kingsley, to see if he was experiencing the same disturbances but he was still sleeping.  How one can sleep through a catastrophe such as that, even if it is a feline, I will never know. 

The illness did not subside until three days later.  Yes, I even missed two full days of work.  Some people have tried to tell me that I caught the Norovirus that has been spreading like wildfire.  Fools, I say.  Bacterial Jonasitis is real….it is out there….and it will get you if you don’t heed my advice and cover your ears!  

Consider yourself warned.

 

Welcome to what the fuck Friday!

I would like to briefly address the crazy woman who recently had 8 babies to add to her previous 6...

First, I cannot believe that NBC presumably paid her the $2 million dollar asking price for her first "exclusive" interview.  Oh wait, yes I can because every media outlet has become corrupt. My supervisor made an excellent observation after watching the clip, "Why does Matt Lauer say 'congratulations' to Ann Curry?" For landing the interview for what they refer to as a "fascinating story"? Please.  This young mom is not only ignorant, but completely irresponsible.

I simply love the fact that Nadya's response to how she is going to parent all 14 children is to say something about just holding them and being with them.  Great, so you’re going to be out on the street corner begging me for money BUT you’ll be holding your kids.  Good for you. 

Ann went on to ask her how she was going to financially support the herd….okay she didn’t say herd, but she should have.  I actually laughed out loud at the question.  I had hoped that Nadya would’ve said, “Well the 2 million you just paid me is a damn good start.  Oh by the way Ann, have you heard that I’ve always wanted to be famous.  Weird, right?”  Instead she mumbled some crap about her family helping her.  Wait Nadya, would that be the family that you just blamed your bad childhood on?  Good luck with that.  How about asking the biological father/donor to all 14 kids to help you?  Oh yeah, he verbally told you to stop using the rest of the sperm he had donated and you went ahead and did it anyway….hmmm that’s not going to work either.  Better whore out your other kids to give their side of the story to NBC!  What’s that you say?  You already did and their interview will be on tv next week?  Shocking.

Let’s sum this up.  We have a human being who wants to be famous or notorious for something...wants to become a household name.   They chose to deliberately do a series of acts that will result in ruining people’s lives (the kids) and then make money off of it.  Isn’t that the same thought pattern/path of a serial killer?

Just sayin’…