The things I learn when I actually pay attention...

Medication commercials have always intrigued me, especially towards the end when they list off the series of side affects that you may encounter by taking them.  Why would I want to take a diet pill, even if it has been approved by the FDA when it also guarantees that I’m going to have greasy flatulence?  That is one of the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. 

This morning, during the amazing and wonderful Young and the Restless, an advertisement for VESIcare came on.  I am sure that I’ve seen it 1,000 times, but today I actually paid attention.  I would like to let you take a moment to read the following paragraph; which is also what the commentator reads word for word towards the end of the commercial…

Important Safety Information
VESIcare is for urgency, frequency, and leakage (overactive bladder). VESIcare is not for everyone. If you have certain stomach or glaucoma problems, or trouble emptying your bladder, do not take VESIcare. Tell your doctor right away if you have a serious allergic reaction, severe abdominal pain, or become constipated for three or more days. VESIcare may cause blurred vision, so take care while driving or doing unsafe tasks until you know how VESIcare affects you. Common side effects are dry mouth, constipation, and indigestion.

Okay, so let’s review. 

First, I would like to add that the basis for the commercial is to reach out to people who feel like they cannot be “spontaneous” because of their urge to piss all of the time.  Now, I can appreciate how that issue might hinder some folks’ behavior.  What I can’t understand is why you would want to take a pill that may cure your urge to pee, but leave you constipated for days at a time while battling heartburn and dry mouth.  I mean, really?  I would be a much more “spontaneous” person if I needed to urinate all of the time versus having my stomach bloated up with three full days of shit that won’t move!

Second of all, I’m not sure that the safety precautions they ask you to take involving blurred vision is even legal.

“VESIcare may cause blurred vision, so take care while driving”???  Take care?  That’s what I put on a get well card for someone who had the flu or their appendix removed.  You don’t give someone a pill that could possibly cause an accident that may result in death and say take care.

I firmly believe that anyone who chooses to try out this medication should be given a kit which includes; the pills, a neon sign for their car warning all others that they are a danger to themselves and others, as well as a t-shirt that says, “I’m super spontaneous now that I have my overactive bladder under control.  Just don’t push on my stomach or make me do anything besides lie down in the fetal position, because I’m crazy constipated.”

Warning: The following may make you physically ill

That is the forewarning that should have appeared on the screen during the Grammy Awards before the Jonas Brothers took the stage.  First to allow those talentless fools to perform with Stevie Wonder is a shame.  Stevie didn’t know what he was getting into….if he could see he would have definitely nixed the collaboration.  I think the appearance of Kevin alone would have done it.  That freak was flailing around the stage like an ape on meth, or at least how I picture an ape on meth would act…but I digress.

Let me break it down for you.  A celebrity came out to introduce the boys and proceeded to announce that they were performing with the great Stevie Wonder.  My ears immediately started to bleed and my eyes welled up in tears.  First of all, I love Stevie and just the shock of hearing the fact that he was taking the stage with those three yahoos was enough to tip me over the edge.

The Jo Bros (as the “tweens” like to call them) started singing one of their (insert sarcasm) classic, memorable hits.  By this point, I was breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth in an attempt to calm my nerves karate kid style.  Why didn’t you just turn the channel, you ask?  Hell no!  This was first-rate entertainment of unparalleled quality…not to be missed.

About halfway into the performance, the intro notes to Superstition struck my ears and my body coiled into the fetal position.  This couldn’t be happening.  Stevie couldn’t possibly be getting ready to play one of my all time beloved songs with the Jonas Brothers!  Noooooooooo.  Say it ain’t so.  Just when I thought the performance had hit rock bottom, Joe Jonas took the mic and forgot someone of the lyrics.  No, Joe, the words aren’t “umm umm laaa stition.  Baby blah blah blahhhhh.”

That’s when the physical affects began.  My stomach cramped up so hard it took my breath away.  I looked at my cat, Kingsley, to see if he was experiencing the same disturbances but he was still sleeping.  How one can sleep through a catastrophe such as that, even if it is a feline, I will never know. 

The illness did not subside until three days later.  Yes, I even missed two full days of work.  Some people have tried to tell me that I caught the Norovirus that has been spreading like wildfire.  Fools, I say.  Bacterial Jonasitis is real….it is out there….and it will get you if you don’t heed my advice and cover your ears!  

Consider yourself warned.

 

Welcome to what the fuck Friday!

I would like to briefly address the crazy woman who recently had 8 babies to add to her previous 6...

First, I cannot believe that NBC presumably paid her the $2 million dollar asking price for her first "exclusive" interview.  Oh wait, yes I can because every media outlet has become corrupt. My supervisor made an excellent observation after watching the clip, "Why does Matt Lauer say 'congratulations' to Ann Curry?" For landing the interview for what they refer to as a "fascinating story"? Please.  This young mom is not only ignorant, but completely irresponsible.

I simply love the fact that Nadya's response to how she is going to parent all 14 children is to say something about just holding them and being with them.  Great, so you’re going to be out on the street corner begging me for money BUT you’ll be holding your kids.  Good for you. 

Ann went on to ask her how she was going to financially support the herd….okay she didn’t say herd, but she should have.  I actually laughed out loud at the question.  I had hoped that Nadya would’ve said, “Well the 2 million you just paid me is a damn good start.  Oh by the way Ann, have you heard that I’ve always wanted to be famous.  Weird, right?”  Instead she mumbled some crap about her family helping her.  Wait Nadya, would that be the family that you just blamed your bad childhood on?  Good luck with that.  How about asking the biological father/donor to all 14 kids to help you?  Oh yeah, he verbally told you to stop using the rest of the sperm he had donated and you went ahead and did it anyway….hmmm that’s not going to work either.  Better whore out your other kids to give their side of the story to NBC!  What’s that you say?  You already did and their interview will be on tv next week?  Shocking.

Let’s sum this up.  We have a human being who wants to be famous or notorious for something...wants to become a household name.   They chose to deliberately do a series of acts that will result in ruining people’s lives (the kids) and then make money off of it.  Isn’t that the same thought pattern/path of a serial killer?

Just sayin’…

In the words of Ice Cube: “Check yo self before you wreck yo self”

Last night I randomly found a small hard bump on my armpit and am now waiting impatiently until I can see my doctor tomorrow.

Several years ago I was at my annual check-up when I noticed that my OB was spending a little too much time on my right breast.  I know my doctor well enough to know that she wasn’t looking for an excuse to prolong feeling me up, so I asked her what the problem was.  My heart stopped for a split second when she responded I had at least one abnormal growth.

After a referral and an ultrasound; one small bump turned out to be four small tumors.  My instructions were to have them monitored once a year for any increase in size….when they grew they needed to come out.  Word of advice: if/when this happens to you; just find a good surgeon and be done with it.  I went through 2+ years of biopsies, ultrasounds and even had a run-in with an evil radiologist at Piper Breast Center.  Don’t worry about her.  I reported her over the phone the second I left the parking lot and followed up with a letter to the hospital.  I would be very surprised if she was still employed after my curt interventionJ

I fully admit to not being the most patient person, and even though I had this scare in the past I still do not check myself on a regular basis.  The reason for this post is simple.  Check your body!  Not just women, men too.  If it is more fun for you….have someone else check your bodyJ  Whatever you need to do to get it done; do it.  I know that I now will not procrastinate or just blow it off out of laziness ever again.  Check yourself, check another, check a neighbor or check a brother!  

Bittersweet Super Bowl

I LOVE the NFL!  I think that even if football never existed; I would somehow miss it.  I’m the type of person that when the Fox NFL song floats out of the television speakers (or is set as my ringtoneJ), or when I hear roughly the first 45 seconds of Guns & Roses “Welcome to the Jungle” I experience physical effects. If a doctor hooked me up, they could map out my explosive heart rate or count the goose bumps appearing on my arms and neck.  I simply love the game.

 

I received the following email today from my stunningly brilliant brother-in-law and even that could not spoil my mood:

“The joy I take knowing my sister-in-law is grouchy as hell right now because the Steel Nation is celebrating with the leader of the free nation because the PITTSBURGH STEELERS won another Super Bowl.  Yep, #6. 

 

That is right Carynn, the only man you worship in this world, Mr. Obama himself, picked the Steelers, cheered for the Steelers, waved his Terrible Towel for the Steelers, and was recognized by the Rooney family after the victory.

 

Life could not get much better right now.  Your dilemma makes me chuckle.  Your love for our President and your hatred for the Steelers.  And he loves the Steelers!!!

Just think, you should have supported Johnny Mac, he would cheer for AZ!”

 

Last night’s Super Bowl was a football lovers’ dream!  As an avid anti-Steeler, I could have done without the outcome of the game….or the 1^st half in general, but that game was fantastic.  The challenges, the after play tussles, the 2^nd half AZ comeback, the 100 yard defensive touchdown…..ahhhhh I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around how impressive it was.  The last 5 minutes of the 4^th quarter, I swore my heart was going to explode.  I was actually watching through my fingers the way someone would when viewing a scary movie. 

 

Not only was the game incredible, but the commercials also exceeded my expectations….I belly laughed to the etrade babies!

 http://www.hulu.com/superbowl/55612/super-bowl-xliii-ads-etrade-talking-baby

 

The following Cheetos commercial also brought a smile to my face, mostly because I could see myself being the girl to place the Cheetos below the other’s chair.  Fortunately, that’s just the kind of girl I am!

http://www.hulu.com/superbowl/55639/super-bowl-xliii-ads-cheetos-chester-the-cheetah

 

I even stayed up to watch the all new episode of The Office which exuded hilarity.  My favorite line was, “Meredith, you’ve slept with so many guys, you’re starting to look like one. ROASTED.”  Zing, that is awesome and I will be using it often!

Get off your butt and do something good

My friend, Kara, invited me to this event and I thought I would pass the link along.

This Saturday night....Second Runway benefitting Goodwill/Easter Seals.  Tickets are $15. 

http://www.goodwilleasterseals.org/site/PageServer?pagename=SR_aboutSR

Longing for the days of old fashioned romance...5th grade style.

When I was in 5th grade, my "boyfriend" was my teacher's (Mr. B) son. He was a year older than me and didn't even attend the same elementary school. We met at band practice. Once a week, all the kids from the smaller schools were bussed to the largest to have practice together. Even after I realized that he was Mr. B's son; it did not stop my adolescent lust. Even though friends told me that he was a nerd at his school and being his girlfriend would be considered social suicide; I was still in love.
Now don't get me wrong; even though we were boyfriend/girlfriend...we didn't really speak. I think I may have talked to him on the phone once over the course of our 3-4 month 'romance'. What we did do was pass notes to one another via his dad/my teacher.
I had come a long way from the days of peeing my pants on the carpet in Kindergarten; or even from my 4th grade era of wearing my then boyfriend's stolen mom's diamond earrings. I had embarked on a timeless love affair of the written word. Things like "You looked cute at band today." or "I wonder if your dad reads these before he gives them to you?" were scrawled on the pages with such passion...(sigh)
Were am I going with this? Fast forward some 18 years later...
Last night I sat perched on a bar stool at Al's wondering where all the innocent romance had gone. I was looking around at men wearing wedding rings flirting with women who were not their wives. I was even blessed enough to have a 40 something man next to me sneeze on my leg, ask the bartender for a napkin, blow into it and they proceed to examine what came out. He then went on to talk to anyone who would listen about his "arsenal at home" and kept saying something about an assassination I couldn't quite figure out. Not to mention the fact that every time he said something he thought was funny, he would clap exactly like that old women in her bed on The Clapper commercial. Although I was in the good company of friends; I could not pull myself out of the longing for the old days.
Someday I hope to find myself relishing again in the simple things in life. Hopefully it won't entail passing a note to a love interest through his father, but it would be great to stumble upon the refuge of innocent, untainted love.
To all the other singletons out there...good luck. You'll need it if you go to Al's.